Miscarriage
“Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you”
-Taylor Swift
I never thought I would be 1 in 4. I’m sure nobody thinks they will be. It’s not a fun statistic to be a part of. But I can say I am a part of the club now even though I didn’t want to join. Hoping my experience can help others heal and know they are not alone. It definitely helped me throughout my healing process.
We tried for our first baby in September of 2018. I stopped birth control, thinking it would take a while to get pregnant- well I guess not. I never got my period and was pregnant right away. I had a healthy pregnancy, no complications and gave birth to our first born son, Finn, on May 30th, 2019. He was two weeks early but healthy.
Now being on the other side of things- I’m sure it may have hurt some people to see how easy it was for me to get pregnant the first time and how quick it happened. A healthy baby and pregnancy seems to be an actual miracle and work of God. Because it’s not always that easy for people to get pregnant. There are so many things that can go wrong and do go wrong. It’s also a wonder how there are complete accidents and how people get pregnant when not intending to. God must have really wanted those children in this world.
I have always wanted a big family and we knew we wanted to start trying for a second child after Finn turned one. So we started trying August of 2020. I had gotten back on birth control (Progestin only- “The Mini Pill” since I was breastfeeding) after having Finn so that I didn’t get pregnant right away again- thinking it happened so easily the first time; I must be super fertile so I didn’t want to have another one so soon after having my first.
Well I didn’t get pregnant right away and I was shocked that I didn’t and kind of upset. We kept trying and after six months I thought something was wrong with me. Now looking back- I feel like I was so naive and also that I took it for granted. “It” being a healthy pregnancy and being able to get pregnant right away. I didn’t know anything different and was just expecting that again. And when it didn’t happen right away, I got upset.
I made a doctors appointment in January of 2021 to make sure everything was okay. Had some blood work done and everything seemed to be fine. My OB had said that it was too soon to get on any medication to help get pregnant and that I needed to be trying for a year before they even consider there being something wrong. My OB even joked that I could be pregnant at the moment but just maybe didn’t know it yet.
Well she was right. I finally got a positive pregnancy test in February of 2021. I definitely felt pregnant and was for certain this was it! I had my hcg levels checked and they were doubling like they were supposed to. I had a virtual doctors visit and from there scheduled an 8 week ultrasound. The ultrasound was scheduled for March 18th- my mother’s birthday.
The day came for the ultrasound. I had to go by myself because of Covid restrictions so Phil wasn’t allowed with me. Side note- my father was also going through some health issues at this time and we were waiting for some test results to come back for him. I remember texting my best friend while sitting in the waiting room to be called back. I told her to pray for my dad and to pray for me that everything would be okay with the baby. I had just felt that something was wrong. And I was right about that. I think God was trying to prepare me.
I was finally called back and laid down on the ultrasound table. It’s weird to think but I remember I was wearing my Twins zubas leggings. Now when I see them in my closet, I just can’t look at them the same. It brings me back to that terrible moment in time and all those emotions rush back.
The ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She did find a sac and was measuring it and said it appeared as though it was 6 weeks, 4 days along. Which didn’t make sense to me since I had been tracking my ovulation and pregnancy so closely. I should have been 8 weeks, 5 days pregnant. She told me it could just be too early and hard to see anything and that maybe I was off on my tracking. She told me that she was going to do a transvaginal ultrasound to see if she could find the heartbeat that way.
I knew that things were not good when she said this. I had a big pit in my stomach. Like somebody had punched me in the gut. I started to sweat and thought I might throw up.
She came back in to do the transvaginal ultrasound and still did not find a heartbeat. My baby had died. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t even want to look at the screen anymore. She told me that it appeared I may be having a miscarriage. She was going to go get my doctor to come talk with me about the next steps.
My doctor wasn’t available at the time so another doctor had come in to talk to me about preparing for a miscarriage. She gave me a pamphlet and explained what to expect and if things didn’t progress on their own that I may have to come in for a D&C. I don’t really remember what exactly she all said because I was just so shocked that this was happening to me. I felt like I was in slow motion in a movie or something. Sitting all by myself in a dark room, on a cold chair, with a strange doctor that I didn’t know talking to me about my dead baby. I started bawling and she handed me some tissues. She finished talking and then left the room and that was that. The ultrasound tech came back and walked me out and I left the clinic.
It’s crazy how you can walk into the doctors office excited and hopeful for what is to come and then leave half an hour later sobbing and devastated.
I didn’t know how I was going to tell Phil. Or how I was going to tell my immediate family. They of course knew that I was pregnant because I was so excited so I told them right away. And now I was worried about how I was going to tell my mom that I lost the baby. I almost felt like I was letting her down or that I had done something wrong.
I called Phil right away once I got to my car and told him what had happened. I started bawling so hard I couldn’t see anything or barely talk. How was I going to drive myself home like this? The worst part of it all was that I was alone. Phil couldn’t be with me because of stupid Covid and I had to go through all of this ALONE. I NEVER wish that upon anybody. It was by far the worst moment of my life!
Phil was very strong for me. He kept calm and talked to me the whole way home. He was my rock and I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I got home and he immediately gave me the biggest hug ever. I melted into his arms and just held on for the longest time. We lost our baby. Our baby was dead. And I felt like I was to blame. It’s hard to not feel like you did something wrong when it’s happening in your own body. Like maybe you ate something you weren’t supposed to or you worked out too hard or it was that glass of wine you had before you even knew you were pregnant. Just not having answers why or understanding why it happens is so hard to wrap your head around. And I will never get an answer other than it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t in Gods plan for me to have that baby. I will never know why but can just continue to pray that God has a better plan.
I then got prepared to call my mom. It was her birthday and I wanted to say happy birthday but also that I was having a miscarriage.
I was so nervous to make that call and I started crying right away. I finally got those words out of my mouth and my mom just said, “Oh Ciara, I am so sorry!” She kept talking and giving me comforting words. But then started to say something else, “I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now…. but your father’s test results came back and he has prostate cancer.”
This had turned into the worst day of my life. But one that I will never forget. I had thought that 2021 was supposed to be a better year. 2020 sucked for so many people and so far for me, 2021 was even worse!!
I started bawling more and asked questions and what was next for him. She told me and we exchanged I love yous and then was off the phone.
I spent the rest of that day crying on the couch and being comforted by Phil and Finn. I told my best friend what happened and she called me to talk and apologize as well. She cried with me and comforted me. I am so grateful for her friendship. I got many text messages from friends and family within the next few days and weeks and this helped to talk about it and to see those comforting messages.
Even writing it down right now is like a form of therapy. I am crying as I write these words because it’s all coming back to me like it was just yesterday.
I called in sick for the rest of the week and just spent time with my family and spent time grieving.
I started bleeding a few days after I found out there was no heartbeat. It’s odd that I never had any signs of a miscarriage before this. No bleeding or cramping. And I had still felt pregnancy symptoms. Maybe this was the way I was supposed to find out so that I didn’t give myself more anxiety wondering why I was bleeding.
Everything happens for a reason and everything happens at the right time when it’s supposed to. I firmly believe that and I believe God has a plan for everybody. It just wasn’t meant to be. I strongly believe it was a girl because I felt so sick from the beginning and I didn’t feel that way with my boys.
(This picture was after finding out my dad had cancer and I had a miscarriage. One Saturday in March, my whole immediate family got together and flew kites. It felt like something from a movie. But it was so therapeutic to just spend that time together out in my family’s sod field and just watch as the kites flew in the sky. )
I passed the miscarriage on my own and did not need a D&C. It was probably the most painful thing I have gone through- physically and mentally. Knowing your dead baby was coming out of you was just horrifying. And every cramp was like contractions when in labor. Debilitating. And felt like a knife cutting into my abdomen. Again, I don’t ever wish this upon anybody because it was the worst week of my life having to go through that pain and actually watch it happen before my eyes. My body didn’t feel the same after that. It felt broken.
I gave myself a little while to heal and then we started trying again for another baby. I wanted a second child so bad and I didn’t want to wait any longer. About two months later, I was pregnant again. And I definitely felt pregnant. I was excited to see those two pink lines again and had told Phil and my family!
I went to the doctor and got my hcg drawn and it confirmed that it was a positive pregnancy test but they wanted me to go in again to get my levels drawn to be sure it was doubling as it’s supposed to. It had gone up in a few days but not as high as I thought it would have. Then a few days later, I started bleeding. And it wasn’t normal bleeding. It was very heavy. I was having another miscarriage….
I contacted my doctor and I got my levels checked again. Hoping and praying that maybe it was just some normal bleeding or something and nothing to worry about and that the baby was fine. But sadly, my levels had gone down. I indeed was having another miscarriage and my doctor confirmed it.
My body passed the second one quicker than the first since I wasn’t as far along this time. I cried and cried and was comforted again by my family and Phil. Trying for a baby was no longer easy.
At first I thought there was something wrong with me and didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting pregnant. At first, wondering why I was having secondary infertility but had heard that it was pretty common. Then, when I was finally getting pregnant, wondering why I kept losing my babies.
Summer went by and we kept trying for another baby. Each month hoping I was pregnant and taking tests when it was time, just to find out that I wasn’t. I got into a dark place. Scrolling social media and I swear all I saw was pregnancy announcements. Every day there was one! I couldn’t handle it!! It started to consume my everyday thoughts. I got into a depression, gained weight, wasn’t working out, was just lazy. I started to realize how bad it was and finally decided I needed to do something about it!
I had always heard of 75 hard and thought it would be cool to do that program but never thought I could do it. I had a co worker that asked me to do it with her at the end of August so I decided I would and I was gonna put my all into it! I needed to put complete focus on something else other than thinking about being pregnant.
That program changed me and helped me come out of my depression and become a healthier individual both physically and mentally. I was a better wife and mother. I lost 17 pounds during the program and another 8 after I was done. For my reading each day- I decided to read the Bible. So because of this I grew closer to God.
I firmly believe this was God’s plan and he wanted me to change. I needed that time to grow closer to him and grow as a person. I was feeling so much better and still all throughout this time we were trying to get pregnant but also not focusing so much on it. I ran a few races and Phil and I took a long weekend ski trip just him and me. I tried to enjoy my life again and tried to do fun things to help move on.
Throughout this time I also found out that I had something wrong with my thyroid. I had gone to the doctor in September again to get some labs checked to make sure everything was okay. My mom had mentioned to one of the doctors that she works with that I was struggling to get pregnant. That doctor brought up that maybe I had something wrong with my thyroid antibodies. So I pushed to get these checked, and all my other thyroid labs as well. (This is not something that is normally checked by doctors but is known to have a link with miscarriage if levels are off).
All of my labs came back normal except for my thyroid antibody. I can’t help but wonder that this was all God’s work. These kinds of things don’t just coincidentally happen. I didn’t even know you could have something wrong with your thyroid antibody. Come to find out mine was attacking itself and I needed medication to help.
So I met with an endocrinologist, and she prescribed me levothyroxine. She said that she was not going to diagnose me with a thyroid disorder just yet but that I could eventually develop one if I didn’t take medication to help prevent that. She was also hoping this was the answer to why I had my miscarriages. There is a lot of research that if your thyroid antibody is not working properly that it is linked with high rates of miscarriage. Then it only makes sense that this is something that doctors should be checking for women when they are struggling to get pregnant and are having multiple miscarriages and I don’t understand why it’s not something that is routinely checked.
The more I thought about the last few years of my life and even when I was pregnant with Finn, I realized that maybe I really did have something wrong with my thyroid, but just didn’t know it. I was always the hot one in the room when everybody else was cold. I was the one excessively sweating. You also have a higher rate of premature labor with thyroid disorders and I gave birth to Finn two weeks early.
January of 2022 I made an appointment for February with my OB to get started on clomid to help me get pregnant because it still wasn’t happening yet. Well I ended up canceling my appointment because I found out I was pregnant on January 13th. I was feeling a little off that day and thought, well let’s just take a test incase but I’m probably not… well it was positive.
I was so excited but at the same time scared to death. I didn’t want to get too excited and then go through all of that hurt again because I knew it wasn’t guaranteed. But a part of me also felt like this was it. This one was going to stick.
I calculated when my due date would be and it was September 23rd- my father’s birthday.
Another side story and work of God…. My dad wakes up often in the night and look at the clock and it will say 3:41am. Or he will look at the clock at this specific time during the day as well. For the longest time this would happen to him and he didn’t know why. Well he thought maybe God was trying to tell him something. This number has many meanings in his life and they are all becoming apparent to him. It’s the numbers in the address for the land that he owns in Alaska as well. Coincidence? I think not.
My dad looked up every book in the Bible to see what book had a chapter 3 and verse 41. Well, there were no books in the Bible that had 41 verses. My dad told his brother about seeing 3:41 a lot and his brother one night opened up his catholic Bible and found a book that has a chapter 3 with 41 verses. The ONLY book in the Bible that has it and its name is Daniel. My fathers name is Daniel. I’m sorry but if this isn’t a work of God, then what is? So crazy and wild how all of this is connected.
The Bible verse states this: “And now with all our heart we follow you; we fear you and seek your presence.” This chapter talks about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego and it’s about them serving god and him saving them from the burning furnace of King Nebuchadnezzar.
My dad has told me about seeing 3:41 a lot. He also said that he told my brothers and then my younger brother started seeing it often too. I had never seen it before. But the day that I found out I was pregnant, I looked at the clock twice that day at 3:41 and thought about my father and God in that moment. It was weird to me that I remembered that and looked at the clock at that time because I hadn’t talked about 3:41 with my father in a while.
I had looked at the clock at 3:41 earlier that day. And that evening, I had gone to see some lights at the mn zoo with my mom, my aunt, and Finn. When I got home I thought about looking at the clock at that specific time and how that was weird and then and also just had a feeling that I should take a pregnancy test because I felt a little off. Once I found out it was positive and realized all of these things that were connected it helped me feel more at peace with this pregnancy and that it was going to stick. I think it was God’s way of telling me that this was a special one and this baby was here to stay.
I also just had this strong feeling that it was a boy and wanted to name the baby after my father since it was due on his birthday and all of these crazy connections to him. Phil had a boy name picked out for a long time and I didn’t like it. The more we talked and the more I heard the name he liked, it started to grow on me. The name is Declan. I looked up the meaning of the name and it was “man of prayer”. And if there is anybody that’s the definition of that- it’s my father. Very godly man and such a wonderful example to live by. He is the reason I believe in God and he raised me to be a Godly woman. I have him to thank and I hope to be this person for my children.
Declan also fit very well for our family because it is an Irish name and our first born is named Finnegan Patrick- very Irish lol Phil and I are both Irish so only made sense to continue the tradition.
We kept this name a secret from our family and friends because we wanted it to be special when we announced the sex of the baby and the name. I also had a girls name picked out but I knew deep down that I wasnt going to be using it this time. I knew I had Declan Daniel in my belly and God had given me another wonderful boy. It definitely meant more this time around because he is our rainbow baby and we prayed so hard for him. We went through so much heartache and to finally have him in our arms felt joyous!
I feel so blessed to have my two boys, but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain and loss that you feel with having a miscarriage. Also, nobody ever talks about the scariness that is pregnancy after loss. The amount of anxiety and fear that you are going to lose another baby is just crazy. My entire pregnancy I was worried and just didn’t want to do anything wrong to possibly cause another miscarriage. I started to follow some groups on Instagram that talked about pregnancy after loss and it helped me a lot to read others comments and stories. It helped me to not feel so alone in my journey. I will link those Instagram accounts at the bottom of this blog.
I prayed a lot and God spoke to me many times to help calm me down and give me the comfort and reassurance that this baby was here to stay. Especially when I got COVID at 8 weeks pregnant. This was scary but God helped me through this and I prayed a lot during this time. He showed me reassurance by showing me 3:41 often during my pregnancy. I had never looked at the clock at this specific time until having this baby and I know that was God speaking to me.
Well Declan arrived on September 20th, 2022 at 9:52pm. He is perfect! Healthy and beautiful!! He is a work of God! Everything happens for a reason and God’s timing is the best timing. I have learned this when trying to become a nurse and now when trying to grow my family. I always have a plan for myself but it’s not the best plan and I need to just let go and let God do his work in my life.
I pray for all of those struggling to get pregnant, those experiencing secondary infertility, those going through miscarriages, stillbirths, loss after birth, etc. I feel for all of you and I pray you get through these hard times but most of all turn to God for strength and healing- even in the worst of it all. We need to praise Jesus when we are excited and happy that something went our way and also when we are in the deep dark storms of life. (“I Praise you in this storm”) Because he will help you get through them!
Thanks for reading my blog. I know it may have gone dark and deep but that is life sometimes. And sometimes it helps you heal reading other peoples struggles so you don’t feel so alone. Somebody else in the world that can relate to you. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am always here! Please feel free to reach out to me! ❤️
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