Sam’s Christmas Village vs. Miracle at Big Rock
We are all about the Christmas lights…
We are all about the Christmas lights! The last few years, since having a young child, we have really gotten into looking at Christmas lights and finding new places to go to do that. If you are looking for something fun to do as a family in the winter time, these are the places to go. We have been to many different Christmas light events but here’s two of our favorites. They are both in Wisconsin and somewhat close to each other. I have had friends ask which is better so let’s compare the two!
Here’s what each place has to offer:
Sam’s Christmas Village:
-Location: Somerset, WI
-Price: (tickets are sold at the ticket booth there so this is one of the only places you don’t purchase ahead of time)
Adult Drive Through: $15.00 per person
Adult walk through: $20.00 per person
Kids: (3-10): $10.00
2 & Under: FREE
Military discount: 1/2 off w/ Valid Military ID
Parking: $10 (cash) On walk through nights
-Activities:
S’mores cabins
Light tour
Reindeer
Santa
Christmas market
Bar n grill
We love Sam’s and have been there three times now. The lights are beautiful and it’s right next to the river. There have been some years where it’s gotten pretty cold because it’s right next to the water but definitely still worth it! You can get real close to the light displays and also walk into some of them and take pictures. There seem to be more big light displays at Sam’s. We did also have to pay more to go to Sam’s compared to Miracle since Finn wasn’t free and we had to pay for parking. There’s real reindeer and fire pits with fires going so you can warm up along the way. Everything seems to be more condensed and closer together at Sam’s. There’s drink huts along the path as well and cute little cabins that you can rent out for the night if you wish to roast s’mores or just warm up in. There is also a Christmas market that sells lots of different things- clothing, toys, hats, food, drinks, etc. New this year to us was the Big Santa at the entrance!! That thing was HUGE!! We went with family this year and had a lot of fun!! We will definitely be going back!
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Miracle at Big Rock:
-Location: St. Croix Falls, WI
-Price: (You can buy there or online. We purchased online ahead of time)
Veterans & Seniors: $15
Adults 13+: $20 online, $25 at the door
Kids Ages 4-12: $15
3 and Under: FREE
Parking is FREE!
-Activities:
Special nights
Santa
Cabins/igloos- private rentals
Smoresland
Walk through and drive through lights
Food trucks
Sledding
Fireworks on Fridays
Vendors in the barn
Cookie decorating
Gift shop
Train/tractor rides
It was our first time to Miracle this year and it was everything we have heard it would be! AMAZING!! It was more spread out than Sam’s and there seemed to be more to do here as well. We paid less than Sams since Finn was free and parking was free. The drive in was also very cool because you drive up a hill and then follow lights all the way to the parking lot. We stopped inside the big barn to warm up and got some drinks and the kids decorated cookies. There was also a cute little candy shop inside here. We got some pictures with Santa inside and also saw some reindeer, Olaf, Ana, and Elsa. We went on a Friday night so we got a front row view to fireworks that had a very surprising ending. There was a cute gift shop and also some igloos that you can rent out for the evening. There was a sledding hill by the big barn so the kids enjoyed sledding for a while. We also saw tractor/train rides going by. Inside the barn, there were two bars- one on each floor and on the top floor- many vendors/little shops to buy just about anything you can think of! On the walk outside, there was an area called smoresland where there were fire pits you could make s’mores at and also a fake moon to take a picture in front of. There was also karaoke towards the entrance and a sleigh you could sit in to take a picture. I think I enjoyed the lights more here because it was more spread out and not so much to look at, all at once. We took our time walking through and spent hours here. We loved Miracle and experienced it the first time with friends this year. We will definitely be going back next year and will bring the whole family with next time!!
Our favorite and why: I think our favorite so far has been Miracle at Big Rock. We felt they had the most activities and was the cheapest. It was more spread out and we spent the most time here. The kids seemed to have more fun at Miracle as well and it was fun for them to go sledding while us parents just hung out and watched. Even though we liked Miracle more, we will still be visiting both places each year because we just love lights that much and it’s a fun tradition to go with family and friends! Check out my Instagram for more photos/videos of our adventures!
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LINKS:
Nursing- Let’s start here…
Perseverance is a better word…
I want to share my personal story of how I became a nurse in hopes that it will inspire many to not give up on their dreams. If I can do it, then anybody can. And when I say that, I actually mean it! If you really want something, you will work your butt off to get it and do anything in your power to make it happen. There was in no way I was going to take no for an answer!
My mother is a pediatric nurse and ever since I can remember she has told me I would be a wonderful nurse. She was always encouraging me to choose that career path. There were many times that I told her no, I don’t want to do that or said I wasn’t smart enough to be a nurse. I think also as a teenager, I just wanted to do the opposite of what my mother was telling me to do lol
After graduating high school, I decided to go to Bemidji State University because my older brother was at school there. He was also on the track team there, as well as his girlfriend, Kristi, my now sister in law, whom he had been dating for many years. I grew up with her and she was like a sister to me so she convinced me to go to Bemidji as well and be on the track & field and cross country team.
Fast forward to spring semester of my freshman year… I had finally decided that nursing was what I was meant to do in life. I thought hard about it my first semester and prayed about it. I asked God many times to reveal to me what I was meant to do in life and what my purpose was. God brought it to my attention that I was supposed to help and care for others. What better way to do that, then to become a nurse? I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. This was my purpose in life. To help others. And it was a plus that Bemidji had a great nursing program.
But in a way, I was already behind in school not knowing what I wanted to do right away. There were classes I needed to take still in order to get into the nursing program and time was up! At Bemidji, you had to apply fall semester of your sophomore year and would start the program spring semester. You could only apply once a year. I was almost at the end of my freshman year and I didn’t have all the classes completed or my CNA license which was required for acceptance into the program. So I had no choice but to fit these classes in during the summer.
Times have changed and college isn’t forced upon high schoolers as much any more. Looking back, I wish parents or teachers would have told us that we didn’t need to go to college if we didn’t know what we wanted to do in life. Instead they told us to go to college or ELSE!! And basically that it was okay to not know what you wanted to do and to just take generals your first year and then you can figure it out on your own time. They didn’t tell us that this would get you into so much debt and a student loan payment so incredibly high that you cannot afford and would be paying back until your 50s! But for nursing, you would have needed to know right away that’s what you wanted to do, to take the correct classes in order to get into the program at the correct time and to graduate in four years. Well, I was already behind.
I played catch up during the summer before my sophomore year and took the classes that I was missing and needed in order to get into the program in the fall. I also took my CNA class which was in person and also had to take the TEAs test which was required- as well as a good score on it. I worked at my family’s sod company as the secretary when I wasn’t in class so I was busy that summer.
I attempted to get into the nursing program that fall but was DENIED! I didn’t have a high enough GPA and my TEAs test score could have been higher. It sucked seeing that rejection letter, but I kept it as a reminder to work harder to get in the next year.
I ran track & field and cross country my sophomore year and took more general classes and also retook some classes that I didn’t get very good grades in the first time (the classes that the nursing faculty looked at and were required for the program) in hopes to get in the second time around. I ended up getting better grades in the classes that mattered and increased my GPA. I took the TEAs test again and got a better score, and I also got a CNA job during the school year at a locked dementia unit in Bemidji to get some experience. Lastly, I decided to quit the track & field and cross country team. I loved to run and it was very important to me but becoming a nurse was more important, and I needed to focus on just that. This was heartbreaking to me and I missed it so much but I still continued to run and workout in my free time.
I enclosed a letter with my application the second time stating what I had changed and why I wanted to be a nurse. I was going to do whatever it took to be a nurse, and I was never going to give up! I also had a back up plan to change schools if needed to try to get in spring semester somewhere else so I didn’t have to waste another year taking generals or random classes and spending money.
The time came to pick up our letters- either acceptance or denial. I knew that the denial letter was one piece of paper that stated you didn’t make it since I had gotten it the previous year. I also knew from friends the previous year that got accepted into the program; that if you got accepted, you had multiple pieces of paper in your envelope and your envelope was much thicker. I was handed my envelope and it felt THICK!!! Praise God! I had prayed and prayed over this and worked so hard to get in! I opened the letter and it said I was accepted into the program!!! Hallelujah! I placed the acceptance letter next to my denial letter to show myself what I had accomplished and to prove that I could do it!! This was the best day ever and I cried! I was so happy!!!
I started the nursing program spring semester of what was my actual junior year at Bemidji. I did good in classes for the most part but realized they weren’t kidding when they said it wasn’t easy.
I was good at hands on test outs but I had come to realize that I had terrible test anxiety and was not doing well on exams. I would study so hard for a test but once it came to taking that test in a room with a bunch of other students- I panicked.
First of all, I hated waiting outside of the testing room for the professor to come to open the door- there would be people quizzing each other or some going through flash cards. This always made me feel like I didn’t study enough or wasn’t smart enough. I think that’s when I first realized I had bad anxiety. I also couldn’t stand that I was being timed for my responses. If I knew the answer, I knew it. Why did I have to be timed and forced to answer in such a hurry?
I would find myself focused on other classmates finishing before me and leaving the room then I would panic and think I didn’t have enough time to finish. I would try and figure out how much time I had for each question to finish in time and I would be so focused on that and not actually taking the test. I would re-read each question over and over again and still didn’t know what it was asking me because I was so anxious. Then I’d end up picking any random answer that I thought might be correct and move on to the next question just so that I could be done in time and not be the last person in the classroom.
This ended up not working out well for me when it came to my Med/Surg class. We needed a C average on just test scores in order to pass each nursing class. And the nursing program standards for a C are different than what you are usually used to. I ended up not making that C average for the Med/Surg class and “failed” the class even though I had a B in it overall. This sucked. FAIL!! That was not the first time I would see that word when it came to nursing.
Since I “failed” a class, I had one chance to retake it and if I failed again then I was kicked out of the program. I had to retake the dreaded Med/Surg class but had to wait an ENTIRE YEAR until it was offered again! So I was ANOTHER year behind! Just great!
I had ended up going to see a counselor and got diagnosed with anxiety. I got on prescription medication for this and was also able to get some accomodations for my test anxiety. I was then able to take tests in a different location all alone, and I was also given extended time for my tests. This helped me tremendously, and I believe helped me pass nursing school. I was so thankful for these accommodations.
At first, I felt embarrassed to admit that I needed help and that I may have anxiety. I had always known that my brain worked a little differently but didn’t ever think it was something so bad that I needed help or needed medication or that it wasn’t normal and everybody didn’t think the same way as I did.
After deciding to talk with a counselor, it came apparent to me that I did have horrible test anxiety and social anxiety. I knew I needed to get some help since it was affecting my schoolwork and jeopardizing my nursing program status. And to this day, I am aware of it more now and am able to sense when it’s getting bad and what I need to do to help it and calm myself down.
Fast forward to May of 2015. I finally graduated from nursing school!!! I was so happy and proud of myself for what I had accomplished and couldn't believe that I had actually done it! After not getting in the first time, failing a class, putting myself 2 years behind, I had accomplished it! I have always doubted myself and how smart I am and graduating with a four year nursing degree made me feel so accomplished and like I could actually be a real nurse! The next step was to pass the hardest test I would ever take in my entire life. The NCLEX!
I studied all summer long for this. I signed up for a course through ATI to help me because of my test anxiety and self-doubt that I'm not smart enough. I took the test the first time in September of 2015. I failed! :( This was just another reassurance that I couldn't do it. I wasn't smart enough and I would never be a nurse.
It sucked seeing that terrible word... FAIL. It made me feel so bad about myself and it started to define me. I felt like a failure. Like I wasn't smart enough. But instead of continuing to think about how much of a failure I was, I signed up for the test again.
Fast forward to November of 2016.... I had taken the NCLEX 7 times!!!! SEVEN!! SEVEN!!! (I feel like Monica on Friends! Ha!) I had gone through so many struggles since I had graduated nursing school.
Since I didn't pass the first time, I faced financial struggles. My student loan payments started November of 2015. They were so unbelievably high and there was no way I was able to pay for them myself each month. I had some student loans through the government but majority was personal student loans through Wells Fargo because I did not qualify for more help from the government due to my parents’ income. So the personal loans were the ones I was struggling with to pay.
I struggled for months trying to get them consolidated, trying to explain my situation that I hadn't passed my test yet and tried to get on income based so that I could afford the payments each month. Wells Fargo was not very accommodating. I finally was able to get them straightened out and consolidated but the payment was still very high for me and there was no income based option.
Thankfully, I had a summer job working at my family sod company but that job was only seasonal. I struggled that winter trying to find a job that could help pay for my loans. I ended up working at subway for a few months. (I was willing to do whatever I needed to make some cash!) Hoping I could pass my test the next time I took it just so that I could get a nursing job and have enough money to pay for my loans.
I lived with my parents to save money. They helped me pay for my loans. My grandmother helped pay for some as well and was also my cosigner to consolidate. I was so thankful for their help! But at the same time, I just felt like more and more of a loser. I was 25, living with my parents, poor, had a four year nursing degree that I couldn't do anything with because I couldn't pass one stupid test!!
The NCLEX started to define me. Each time I opened my results just to see that word again, FAIL! It felt like a part of me was gone each time I saw this. I spent so much money taking this test, so much time studying. I took the Kaplan online class twice! Used their resources to study. My mom bought me books and CDs to help me study. I bought another online class through Pearson vue to help me study.
I was so hard on myself and almost just expected to fail each time. I started to get depressed. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I witnessed everybody in my nursing class pass right away, and get jobs and start their careers. I even witnessed how the nursing class that graduated behind me passed their tests and started their careers.
It also didn’t help that after failing, there was no feedback on specifics of what you got wrong or really how to better study. You kind of had to figure that out on your own.
I used to remind myself through nursing school why I had put myself through these struggles. Why I chose such a hard degree. It was because I knew my purpose in life was to care for other people and help others. And that reminder helped me get through school. But because of all my financial struggles through this time, I started to lose that reminder and started thinking each time I took the test- that if I could just pass this time, then I could get a job and have enough money to pay my debt.
To top it all off, I had totaled my car in January of 2016, by sliding on black ice under a bridge and crashing into a concrete barrier. So I didnt even have a car to get to work and had to rely on my parents driving me each day or being able to borrow one of their cars. I thought I had hit rock bottom for sure. I doubted God and started to get angry and asked why this was happening to me. And started to question whether I should be a nurse or not.
Throughout this time of struggle, I started to realize how important timing is in life. I have the perfect example with my husband. I don’t know what I would do without him! He is everything to me and was such a great support system. I never would have thought that I could find somebody so perfect that could make me so happy, but in time, it happened. God’s plan is always the best plan! There was a reason for my struggles. I may not have known it at the time. Maybe I needed that extra time to grow in my faith, learn about myself, grow as a person. Maybe God was teaching me a lesson.
Even though I was so down on myself, I also picked myself up each time. I got back to studying, signed up for the test again right away so that I wouldn’t procrastinate, talked with family and friends about my struggles, and prayed about it. I continued to go to counseling for my anxiety.
I grew closer to God through this time and I couldn't have done it without him. My aunt, also has a big part in this. She led me to a woman's bible study that I feel changed my life. I started doing this bible study called, In The Wait. It helped me to grow closer to God through this time of waiting to pass my test and start my career.
I am writing this to prove that there is hope. And to NEVER EVER give up on your dreams!
I am happy to say that the 7th times a charm and I had finally passed the NCLEX!!!! I was FINALLY a nurse! I was way more proud of myself on that day than when I got into the nursing program and even more than when I graduated from nursing school. I could finally start my career and fulfill my purpose in life to help others. I was so proud of myself that I didn't give up!
I had such a wonderful support system of so many family and friends that helped me through that time of waiting. I don’t know what I would have done without all of them and I thanked them all so much for being there for me, listening to my struggles, and praying for me.
But more than anything I have God on my side. I couldn't have done it without him! He has given me strength and taken my anxiety, stress, self-doubt away. I owe everything to Him!
To my fellow nursing friends: whether you are still in school, trying to pass your NCLEX, have failed many times.... don't give up! There is hope! It will happen! You WILL pass! You WILL graduate and walk across that stage. You WILL pass that dreaded Med/Surg class. And it will all happen in the right time when it is meant to happen! So keep working towards it and stay positive!
The most helpful study tools to me was the Kaplan online class that I took and doing practice questions daily on an app on my phone. I will add links for those below.
Kaplan had a nursing professor running the course and you had to sign in every day and do practice quizzes and questions. And you also had a lecture time in which the professor would talk about specifically how the test worked. Kaplan helped me understand what the questions were asking and just how to navigate the questions in order to narrow it down to one answer. It helped me just know how the test worked and helped me not be so afraid of it. Best money ever spent! So I would definitely recommend Kaplan to anybody who is studying for the NCLEX!
FAILURE no longer defined me! I have a better word.... PERSEVERANCE! This word meant so much to me back in 2016 and it means so much more to me even today in other areas of my life as well which I will share in other posts.
After passing the NCLEX, I got a job as a float nurse at a hospital downtown. I ended up only working there for a brief time- it was a lot being a float nurse as a new nurse and it was too far away from home. I was spending too much time in the car and was not happy so I applied a care center that my friend worked at! We had graduated nursing school together. I got the job there and have been there ever since! It will be 6 years this coming July! I love taking care of the elderly and giving them the best last days of their lives. It really puts life into perspective. Nursing is such a rewarding job and I am so glad I never gave up because then I wouldn’t be where I am at today.
I also just want to say, feel free to reach out to me through my email or social links (Instagram or Facebook) if you are struggling with passing the NCLEX or just need somebody to talk to. Or even just some advice from somebody that has been there and knows what you are going through! I am always here to help and am always more than willing!
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"Blessed is the one who PERSEVERES under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him"
James 1:12
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LINKS:
-Kaplan: Kaplan Online Courses
-Nursing app I used for practice questions: NCLEX RN Mastery
-Bible study: In The Wait Bible Study
Miscarriage
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye…
“Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you”
-Taylor Swift
I never thought I would be 1 in 4. I’m sure nobody thinks they will be. It’s not a fun statistic to be a part of. But I can say I am a part of the club now even though I didn’t want to join. Hoping my experience can help others heal and know they are not alone. It definitely helped me throughout my healing process.
We tried for our first baby in September of 2018. I stopped birth control, thinking it would take a while to get pregnant- well I guess not. I never got my period and was pregnant right away. I had a healthy pregnancy, no complications and gave birth to our first born son, Finn, on May 30th, 2019. He was two weeks early but healthy.
Now being on the other side of things- I’m sure it may have hurt some people to see how easy it was for me to get pregnant the first time and how quick it happened. A healthy baby and pregnancy seems to be an actual miracle and work of God. Because it’s not always that easy for people to get pregnant. There are so many things that can go wrong and do go wrong. It’s also a wonder how there are complete accidents and how people get pregnant when not intending to. God must have really wanted those children in this world.
I have always wanted a big family and we knew we wanted to start trying for a second child after Finn turned one. So we started trying August of 2020. I had gotten back on birth control (Progestin only- “The Mini Pill” since I was breastfeeding) after having Finn so that I didn’t get pregnant right away again- thinking it happened so easily the first time; I must be super fertile so I didn’t want to have another one so soon after having my first.
Well I didn’t get pregnant right away and I was shocked that I didn’t and kind of upset. We kept trying and after six months I thought something was wrong with me. Now looking back- I feel like I was so naive and also that I took it for granted. “It” being a healthy pregnancy and being able to get pregnant right away. I didn’t know anything different and was just expecting that again. And when it didn’t happen right away, I got upset.
I made a doctors appointment in January of 2021 to make sure everything was okay. Had some blood work done and everything seemed to be fine. My OB had said that it was too soon to get on any medication to help get pregnant and that I needed to be trying for a year before they even consider there being something wrong. My OB even joked that I could be pregnant at the moment but just maybe didn’t know it yet.
Well she was right. I finally got a positive pregnancy test in February of 2021. I definitely felt pregnant and was for certain this was it! I had my hcg levels checked and they were doubling like they were supposed to. I had a virtual doctors visit and from there scheduled an 8 week ultrasound. The ultrasound was scheduled for March 18th- my mother’s birthday.
The day came for the ultrasound. I had to go by myself because of Covid restrictions so Phil wasn’t allowed with me. Side note- my father was also going through some health issues at this time and we were waiting for some test results to come back for him. I remember texting my best friend while sitting in the waiting room to be called back. I told her to pray for my dad and to pray for me that everything would be okay with the baby. I had just felt that something was wrong. And I was right about that. I think God was trying to prepare me.
I was finally called back and laid down on the ultrasound table. It’s weird to think but I remember I was wearing my Twins zubas leggings. Now when I see them in my closet, I just can’t look at them the same. It brings me back to that terrible moment in time and all those emotions rush back.
The ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She did find a sac and was measuring it and said it appeared as though it was 6 weeks, 4 days along. Which didn’t make sense to me since I had been tracking my ovulation and pregnancy so closely. I should have been 8 weeks, 5 days pregnant. She told me it could just be too early and hard to see anything and that maybe I was off on my tracking. She told me that she was going to do a transvaginal ultrasound to see if she could find the heartbeat that way.
I knew that things were not good when she said this. I had a big pit in my stomach. Like somebody had punched me in the gut. I started to sweat and thought I might throw up.
She came back in to do the transvaginal ultrasound and still did not find a heartbeat. My baby had died. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t even want to look at the screen anymore. She told me that it appeared I may be having a miscarriage. She was going to go get my doctor to come talk with me about the next steps.
My doctor wasn’t available at the time so another doctor had come in to talk to me about preparing for a miscarriage. She gave me a pamphlet and explained what to expect and if things didn’t progress on their own that I may have to come in for a D&C. I don’t really remember what exactly she all said because I was just so shocked that this was happening to me. I felt like I was in slow motion in a movie or something. Sitting all by myself in a dark room, on a cold chair, with a strange doctor that I didn’t know talking to me about my dead baby. I started bawling and she handed me some tissues. She finished talking and then left the room and that was that. The ultrasound tech came back and walked me out and I left the clinic.
It’s crazy how you can walk into the doctors office excited and hopeful for what is to come and then leave half an hour later sobbing and devastated.
I didn’t know how I was going to tell Phil. Or how I was going to tell my immediate family. They of course knew that I was pregnant because I was so excited so I told them right away. And now I was worried about how I was going to tell my mom that I lost the baby. I almost felt like I was letting her down or that I had done something wrong.
I called Phil right away once I got to my car and told him what had happened. I started bawling so hard I couldn’t see anything or barely talk. How was I going to drive myself home like this? The worst part of it all was that I was alone. Phil couldn’t be with me because of stupid Covid and I had to go through all of this ALONE. I NEVER wish that upon anybody. It was by far the worst moment of my life!
Phil was very strong for me. He kept calm and talked to me the whole way home. He was my rock and I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I got home and he immediately gave me the biggest hug ever. I melted into his arms and just held on for the longest time. We lost our baby. Our baby was dead. And I felt like I was to blame. It’s hard to not feel like you did something wrong when it’s happening in your own body. Like maybe you ate something you weren’t supposed to or you worked out too hard or it was that glass of wine you had before you even knew you were pregnant. Just not having answers why or understanding why it happens is so hard to wrap your head around. And I will never get an answer other than it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t in Gods plan for me to have that baby. I will never know why but can just continue to pray that God has a better plan.
I then got prepared to call my mom. It was her birthday and I wanted to say happy birthday but also that I was having a miscarriage.
I was so nervous to make that call and I started crying right away. I finally got those words out of my mouth and my mom just said, “Oh Ciara, I am so sorry!” She kept talking and giving me comforting words. But then started to say something else, “I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now…. but your father’s test results came back and he has prostate cancer.”
This had turned into the worst day of my life. But one that I will never forget. I had thought that 2021 was supposed to be a better year. 2020 sucked for so many people and so far for me, 2021 was even worse!!
I started bawling more and asked questions and what was next for him. She told me and we exchanged I love yous and then was off the phone.
I spent the rest of that day crying on the couch and being comforted by Phil and Finn. I told my best friend what happened and she called me to talk and apologize as well. She cried with me and comforted me. I am so grateful for her friendship. I got many text messages from friends and family within the next few days and weeks and this helped to talk about it and to see those comforting messages.
Even writing it down right now is like a form of therapy. I am crying as I write these words because it’s all coming back to me like it was just yesterday.
I called in sick for the rest of the week and just spent time with my family and spent time grieving.
I started bleeding a few days after I found out there was no heartbeat. It’s odd that I never had any signs of a miscarriage before this. No bleeding or cramping. And I had still felt pregnancy symptoms. Maybe this was the way I was supposed to find out so that I didn’t give myself more anxiety wondering why I was bleeding.
Everything happens for a reason and everything happens at the right time when it’s supposed to. I firmly believe that and I believe God has a plan for everybody. It just wasn’t meant to be. I strongly believe it was a girl because I felt so sick from the beginning and I didn’t feel that way with my boys.
(This picture was after finding out my dad had cancer and I had a miscarriage. One Saturday in March, my whole immediate family got together and flew kites. It felt like something from a movie. But it was so therapeutic to just spend that time together out in my family’s sod field and just watch as the kites flew in the sky. )
I passed the miscarriage on my own and did not need a D&C. It was probably the most painful thing I have gone through- physically and mentally. Knowing your dead baby was coming out of you was just horrifying. And every cramp was like contractions when in labor. Debilitating. And felt like a knife cutting into my abdomen. Again, I don’t ever wish this upon anybody because it was the worst week of my life having to go through that pain and actually watch it happen before my eyes. My body didn’t feel the same after that. It felt broken.
I gave myself a little while to heal and then we started trying again for another baby. I wanted a second child so bad and I didn’t want to wait any longer. About two months later, I was pregnant again. And I definitely felt pregnant. I was excited to see those two pink lines again and had told Phil and my family!
I went to the doctor and got my hcg drawn and it confirmed that it was a positive pregnancy test but they wanted me to go in again to get my levels drawn to be sure it was doubling as it’s supposed to. It had gone up in a few days but not as high as I thought it would have. Then a few days later, I started bleeding. And it wasn’t normal bleeding. It was very heavy. I was having another miscarriage….
I contacted my doctor and I got my levels checked again. Hoping and praying that maybe it was just some normal bleeding or something and nothing to worry about and that the baby was fine. But sadly, my levels had gone down. I indeed was having another miscarriage and my doctor confirmed it.
My body passed the second one quicker than the first since I wasn’t as far along this time. I cried and cried and was comforted again by my family and Phil. Trying for a baby was no longer easy.
At first I thought there was something wrong with me and didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting pregnant. At first, wondering why I was having secondary infertility but had heard that it was pretty common. Then, when I was finally getting pregnant, wondering why I kept losing my babies.
Summer went by and we kept trying for another baby. Each month hoping I was pregnant and taking tests when it was time, just to find out that I wasn’t. I got into a dark place. Scrolling social media and I swear all I saw was pregnancy announcements. Every day there was one! I couldn’t handle it!! It started to consume my everyday thoughts. I got into a depression, gained weight, wasn’t working out, was just lazy. I started to realize how bad it was and finally decided I needed to do something about it!
I had always heard of 75 hard and thought it would be cool to do that program but never thought I could do it. I had a co worker that asked me to do it with her at the end of August so I decided I would and I was gonna put my all into it! I needed to put complete focus on something else other than thinking about being pregnant.
That program changed me and helped me come out of my depression and become a healthier individual both physically and mentally. I was a better wife and mother. I lost 17 pounds during the program and another 8 after I was done. For my reading each day- I decided to read the Bible. So because of this I grew closer to God.
I firmly believe this was God’s plan and he wanted me to change. I needed that time to grow closer to him and grow as a person. I was feeling so much better and still all throughout this time we were trying to get pregnant but also not focusing so much on it. I ran a few races and Phil and I took a long weekend ski trip just him and me. I tried to enjoy my life again and tried to do fun things to help move on.
Throughout this time I also found out that I had something wrong with my thyroid. I had gone to the doctor in September again to get some labs checked to make sure everything was okay. My mom had mentioned to one of the doctors that she works with that I was struggling to get pregnant. That doctor brought up that maybe I had something wrong with my thyroid antibodies. So I pushed to get these checked, and all my other thyroid labs as well. (This is not something that is normally checked by doctors but is known to have a link with miscarriage if levels are off).
All of my labs came back normal except for my thyroid antibody. I can’t help but wonder that this was all God’s work. These kinds of things don’t just coincidentally happen. I didn’t even know you could have something wrong with your thyroid antibody. Come to find out mine was attacking itself and I needed medication to help.
So I met with an endocrinologist, and she prescribed me levothyroxine. She said that she was not going to diagnose me with a thyroid disorder just yet but that I could eventually develop one if I didn’t take medication to help prevent that. She was also hoping this was the answer to why I had my miscarriages. There is a lot of research that if your thyroid antibody is not working properly that it is linked with high rates of miscarriage. Then it only makes sense that this is something that doctors should be checking for women when they are struggling to get pregnant and are having multiple miscarriages and I don’t understand why it’s not something that is routinely checked.
The more I thought about the last few years of my life and even when I was pregnant with Finn, I realized that maybe I really did have something wrong with my thyroid, but just didn’t know it. I was always the hot one in the room when everybody else was cold. I was the one excessively sweating. You also have a higher rate of premature labor with thyroid disorders and I gave birth to Finn two weeks early.
January of 2022 I made an appointment for February with my OB to get started on clomid to help me get pregnant because it still wasn’t happening yet. Well I ended up canceling my appointment because I found out I was pregnant on January 13th. I was feeling a little off that day and thought, well let’s just take a test incase but I’m probably not… well it was positive.
I was so excited but at the same time scared to death. I didn’t want to get too excited and then go through all of that hurt again because I knew it wasn’t guaranteed. But a part of me also felt like this was it. This one was going to stick.
I calculated when my due date would be and it was September 23rd- my father’s birthday.
Another side story and work of God…. My dad wakes up often in the night and look at the clock and it will say 3:41am. Or he will look at the clock at this specific time during the day as well. For the longest time this would happen to him and he didn’t know why. Well he thought maybe God was trying to tell him something. This number has many meanings in his life and they are all becoming apparent to him. It’s the numbers in the address for the land that he owns in Alaska as well. Coincidence? I think not.
My dad looked up every book in the Bible to see what book had a chapter 3 and verse 41. Well, there were no books in the Bible that had 41 verses. My dad told his brother about seeing 3:41 a lot and his brother one night opened up his catholic Bible and found a book that has a chapter 3 with 41 verses. The ONLY book in the Bible that has it and its name is Daniel. My fathers name is Daniel. I’m sorry but if this isn’t a work of God, then what is? So crazy and wild how all of this is connected.
The Bible verse states this: “And now with all our heart we follow you; we fear you and seek your presence.” This chapter talks about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego and it’s about them serving god and him saving them from the burning furnace of King Nebuchadnezzar.
My dad has told me about seeing 3:41 a lot. He also said that he told my brothers and then my younger brother started seeing it often too. I had never seen it before. But the day that I found out I was pregnant, I looked at the clock twice that day at 3:41 and thought about my father and God in that moment. It was weird to me that I remembered that and looked at the clock at that time because I hadn’t talked about 3:41 with my father in a while.
I had looked at the clock at 3:41 earlier that day. And that evening, I had gone to see some lights at the mn zoo with my mom, my aunt, and Finn. When I got home I thought about looking at the clock at that specific time and how that was weird and then and also just had a feeling that I should take a pregnancy test because I felt a little off. Once I found out it was positive and realized all of these things that were connected it helped me feel more at peace with this pregnancy and that it was going to stick. I think it was God’s way of telling me that this was a special one and this baby was here to stay.
I also just had this strong feeling that it was a boy and wanted to name the baby after my father since it was due on his birthday and all of these crazy connections to him. Phil had a boy name picked out for a long time and I didn’t like it. The more we talked and the more I heard the name he liked, it started to grow on me. The name is Declan. I looked up the meaning of the name and it was “man of prayer”. And if there is anybody that’s the definition of that- it’s my father. Very godly man and such a wonderful example to live by. He is the reason I believe in God and he raised me to be a Godly woman. I have him to thank and I hope to be this person for my children.
Declan also fit very well for our family because it is an Irish name and our first born is named Finnegan Patrick- very Irish lol Phil and I are both Irish so only made sense to continue the tradition.
We kept this name a secret from our family and friends because we wanted it to be special when we announced the sex of the baby and the name. I also had a girls name picked out but I knew deep down that I wasnt going to be using it this time. I knew I had Declan Daniel in my belly and God had given me another wonderful boy. It definitely meant more this time around because he is our rainbow baby and we prayed so hard for him. We went through so much heartache and to finally have him in our arms felt joyous!
I feel so blessed to have my two boys, but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain and loss that you feel with having a miscarriage. Also, nobody ever talks about the scariness that is pregnancy after loss. The amount of anxiety and fear that you are going to lose another baby is just crazy. My entire pregnancy I was worried and just didn’t want to do anything wrong to possibly cause another miscarriage. I started to follow some groups on Instagram that talked about pregnancy after loss and it helped me a lot to read others comments and stories. It helped me to not feel so alone in my journey. I will link those Instagram accounts at the bottom of this blog.
I prayed a lot and God spoke to me many times to help calm me down and give me the comfort and reassurance that this baby was here to stay. Especially when I got COVID at 8 weeks pregnant. This was scary but God helped me through this and I prayed a lot during this time. He showed me reassurance by showing me 3:41 often during my pregnancy. I had never looked at the clock at this specific time until having this baby and I know that was God speaking to me.
Well Declan arrived on September 20th, 2022 at 9:52pm. He is perfect! Healthy and beautiful!! He is a work of God! Everything happens for a reason and God’s timing is the best timing. I have learned this when trying to become a nurse and now when trying to grow my family. I always have a plan for myself but it’s not the best plan and I need to just let go and let God do his work in my life.
I pray for all of those struggling to get pregnant, those experiencing secondary infertility, those going through miscarriages, stillbirths, loss after birth, etc. I feel for all of you and I pray you get through these hard times but most of all turn to God for strength and healing- even in the worst of it all. We need to praise Jesus when we are excited and happy that something went our way and also when we are in the deep dark storms of life. (“I Praise you in this storm”) Because he will help you get through them!
Thanks for reading my blog. I know it may have gone dark and deep but that is life sometimes. And sometimes it helps you heal reading other peoples struggles so you don’t feel so alone. Somebody else in the world that can relate to you. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am always here! Please feel free to reach out to me! ❤️
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